What makes a good Dominant? 

PicsArt_09-20-07.42.13Is a good Dominant constantly demanding everything? Being unreasonable? Controlling to an abusive level? Having expectations without concern for the submissive? Is it just being a dick?

No, no, no… being a good Dominant is hard; it’s hard as fuck actually. It requires intuition, an ability to balance, and rapid agility that makes common mortals shudder and crumble.

Being a good Dominant can be summed up in one word: wholeness. Being a whole, complete person is what we seek in any partner, and even more so in one that is intended to lead others. Wholeness does not mean perfect, no, it means flawed, scarred and yet able to learn, grow and become more from the inevitable setbacks of life. 

To claim or strive for wholeness is a different issue from BEING whole; I doubt any single whole person exists. Wholeness as a Dominant means you are a real person, with emotions, insecurities, inabilities, gifts, passion, compassion, love, and struggles. No one is free from these, ever. Should that hinder you from being a Dominant? Never. It should fuel your drive in Dominance, it should give you reasons to reflect, and be a better D type. 

Wholeness as a concept is daunting, so then start with small things. Here are many small fractals that in their varied ways of combination create wholeness:

Intelligence
self-confidence
self-awareness
compassion
intuition
sadism
loving
caring
responsible
strong
not mean for meanness’ sake
commitment
consistency
follow through
creativity
perseverance
inspires subs to find pride in every action, intentional or not
respectful
self-sufficient
open
desire to learn


Phew! I’m exhausted from just writing that. The list is long, and it comes from multiple people. There’s no way a single person can be all of that. What’s the point of throwing it up? Each person is designed for a different person. Find the list of what you NEED (not want) and seek out someone who’s needs list is complimented by yours (hey look, relationship 101, who knew?)

Looking at that list, I tend to focus on the areas where I’m weakest, though I refuse to dote on them, because the areas where I have strength more than make up for that. Does that make me a perfect Dominant? Hardly, but I’m perfect for someone, even many someones perhaps. The point is to be who you are, fill in the gaps where you lack as best you can, don’t dwell on what you can’t do, and work to improve. Oooh … now we have Life 101, I like this class.

That entire list really boils down to one’s INTENT. What is your intent in your Dominance? (or submission) If your intent is clear to you, it will become crystal clear to a submissive, and anyone else around. What is my intent? Growth, for all. I want to see anyone who serves me to blossom and become as whole as we as a team can make them, and me. In this, we both grow. Yes, I said team, a D/s relationship is absolutely a partnership built on teamwork, not on hierarchy. Do we all have roles to play? Of course, but those roles are there to work towards the intent of each party. 

Some basic keys of effective (or good) Dominance are some simple rules we’ve known for a long time.

1) Treat others with respect
2) Earn respect
3) Let the punishment fit the crime
4) Allow yourself to have emotions, but don’t react when you’re overwhelmed by them
5) Have fun
6) You will never arrive at a Dom compound where you’ll find your work is done, your work is NEVER done
7) You get what you give
8) Keep yourself in check

Kind of simple, huh? The hardest things are always simply put, because each of these points require constant attention and intention, the left and right hands of success. 

I wish I could personally say that I’ve arrived at the Dom compound and now I can grace everyone with my brilliance, but I’m just me, and I fuck up, I lose it, I lack many of the points that make up a “good Dom;” however, I won’t stop working on it, working towards ensuring my relationships are fulfilling for me and my partners. I suppose that’s the key, working as hard as you can at any given time (some days that will be better than others).

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